It occurred to me the other day that I believe in God! That might come as a surprise to you since I’ve been taking you to church for years, we’ve been praying to God together as a family for many years before that. But you might have noticed that I haven’t spent much time teaching about God. I want to change that today.
Faith Lost
First of all, let me tell you a bit about the history of my faith. When I was Mormon, I was devout. I was about as passionate and faithful to my religion as one can be. But after learning more about my own religion, that faith was utterly destroyed.
Losing my Mormon faith was traumatic. I discovered that the thing that I had the most faith in and love for was lying to me and then telling my friends and family that I was the liar and the cheat. I felt betrayed. In my own mind, I’ve often thought about this experience as being similar to a nasty divorce.
I’ve come to terms with that experience and I no longer really harbor any resentment. You’ve probably heard me speak more praise than condemnation toward Mormonism. I’ve definitely come to a place where I can look at Mormonism more objectively and see that, while I think more than ever that it is entirely made up, it is also about the best way to live a life for many, many people.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but when I discovered that Mormonism isn’t true, there were a lot of other things that came along with that discovery. Probably the most important thing I eventually discovered is that I shouldn’t trust my feelings to reveal historical fact to me. Mormonism teaches that God’s spirit will reveal all things to you through a burning in your chest or goosebumps or any other emotion or physical manifestation. (They leave it vague on purpose.)
I had experienced those emotions time and again, and I thought that meant that God was telling me that Mormonism is true.
But Mormonism isn’t true.
So, I had to reconcile these two facts: 1) my faith in Mormonism was based largely upon feelings and 2) Mormonism isn’t true. They told me that the feelings I allowed to guide me might not have been what I thought they were. In other words, those emotions led me to something false, so they can’t be the end-all-be-all for determining fact and fiction.
The trouble was that those feelings were also the basis for my faith in Jesus and in God! So, did I also have to throw away my belief in those things too? And what does belief even mean? Can a belief be obtained without using an epistemology of feelings? If so, I was unlikely to believe in anything again.
I’ve struggled with this for years — not exactly knowing where I stand. I didn’t know what to pass along to you because I didn’t feel like I knew much myself! That’s not a great place to be as a father. I’m sorry about that. I feel like I should have searched harder and done it sooner.
My doubt led me to be “…like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.” (James 1:6)
A Practical Faith
Then COVID happened and the world went crazy. I didn’t know where I stood with my own belief but I knew I didn’t believe the crazy garbage that was being shoved down our throats during that period.
I wanted to be sure to pass traditional values onto you. In my opinion, that’s the main function of religion. (Notice that I said “function” not “purpose”.) So, I took you to church for practical reasons.
(If you remember, you all made yourselves as big a pain as possible when we started going to church, to try and convince us to stop. That’s okay. I’m sure I would have done the same thing in your shoes. But parents have a distinct role that they can’t allow kids’ brattiness to derail. Parents are supposed to have a higher perspective and guide the family sometimes whether the family wants to follow or not.)
The Mormon Type of Belief
Mormons use the word “belief” differently than they do at our current church. Here’s why:
Mormons are taught to say, “I know” more than they are to say, “I believe.” Even when they don’t really “know,” but are actually acting on faith, they are taught to tell people that they “know” a thing happened or another thing is “true.” If you challenge them on this, the more introspective Mormons will probably justify this by telling you something to the effect of, “it’s a different type of knowledge” (implicitly acknowledging that in order to say, “I know” they have to redefine the word itself).
I don’t like that Mormonism does this because saying that you know something in front of people has a tendency to convince people that what they said is true (whether they believed it or not beforehand).
There are other terms that are frequently used in Mormonism that have the same effect: “unwavering,” “without a shadow of doubt,” “I testify,” “I have no doubt.” These convey certainty. No doubt. (Even though faith can only exist when there is a lack of certainty.)
So, in Mormonism, “belief” implies certainty. Doubt is discouraged. Mormons must reach a place where they can proclaim this certainty (even though that’s not possible).
A Better Definition
All these years that I’ve been wondering if I really believe, there’s been something that’s been holding me back. I think I’ve hesitated because I’ve been thinking of belief in the Mormon sense. I knew that I would be unlikely to have that type of “belief” again because it’s not honest, it’s blind, and there’s an unhealthy aspect to it. I’ve wanted to stay away from it for good reason.
But last month, as I was on a hike alone and had some time to think about it, I asked myself once again, if I believe in God. That led me to ask myself what “belief” means. With nothing else to think about, I think I came to what I think is the common definition.
Belief = hope + action.
I think that’s what most people mean when they say, “I believe” in just about any context.
“I believe in you.” I have hope that I can trust and rely on you — enough to drive me to action.
That type of belief isn’t irrational at all. I also think that there’s almost nothing healthier than that type of belief and it certainly isn’t dishonest because there’s no claim to know things that can’t be known. You simply hope for something and act upon it as if it were 100% true.
I Believe!
With this definition in mind, let me tell you what I believe.
I believe in your mother. I believe that she is good to her core. I believe she loves you. I believe that she loves me and is loyal to me. I believe that she would defend you and fight for your success to the bitter end.
I believe in God. I believe in the God of the Bible, that He is present, that He knows me intimately, that He is good, that He cares about my life and the life of those around me, that He hears my prayers, that He wants the best things for me, and that He has the power to affect change in my life.
I believe in Jesus. To be honest, I’m not sure what exactly I believe about Him, but I believe that following Him can save me. I’m also not sure I know what I believe about the word “save”, but I’m excited to pursue this more and to explore this belief to see where it takes me. With those caveats firmly in place, I can confidently say that I believe in Jesus.
Find What You Believe
I encourage you to discover what you believe. You don’t need to (and shouldn’t) start with the assumption that all beliefs are equal. Without question, some things are better to believe in than others. Use your reason. What is likely? What is not? Study things carefully. Look at the lives of those around you and decide what is best supported by the evidence. Consult God in prayer. You don’t need to have perfect knowledge. You just need to find what the best thing is and choose to have hope in that thing.