Appearance Matters

Jesus taught, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” (John 7:24) This teaching has shaped Western culture for 2,000 years by placing one’s heart as the focus, rather than on outward performances and adherence to lengthy laws.

I think this teaching also represented a departure from the Jewish culture of Jesus’s time. In part, he was telling his followers to spend more time looking at the inside, and less on the outside. In essence, Jesus shook things up by saying, “the Lord looks on the heart.” (Nevermind, that that verse is actually found in 1 Samuel 16:7: the Old Testament.)

Even though this simple teaching has been an important feature of our society for millennia, we still make quick interpretations about the people around us based upon their appearance. We can’t avoid it. Nor should we. Our brains are pre-programmed to recognize patterns and to gather meaning from those patterns based upon past experience. That meaning keeps us safe at times, and at others helps us preserve and pass along important features of our culture.

Here’s what I mean:

Every culture has norms when it comes to appearance. (Most cultures have norms for modesty, norms of appearance that differ between the sexes, and generally modes of appearance that are normal and those that are not.) Those norms change slowly over time. Some of them are arbitrary (but still carry important meaning and purpose) while others are widely shared between cultures and are connected to human biology.

I think that most of these norms are evolutionary adaptations. (Following the Weinstein/Heying Omega Principle: they are complex, they are expensive, and they have persisted over evolutionary time). As such, they shouldn’t be cast aside without first carefully considering the ramifications.

If they are adaptations, they must serve a purpose. What might that be?

I think that norms for appearance serve mostly as social cues — rules of thumb that communicate within groups what to expect from each other. We’re essentially telling each other, I understand the same rules you understand, and I’m going to keep them. You can trust me.

In other words, even when those rules might be completely arbitrary (no inherent reason for them) they are still important because keeping them (or breaking them) communicates important meaning.

Here’s an example: think of what might go through your mind if you were to walk down the street and see a man wearing underwear on his head. Even if the rest of his appearance throws no red flags, you might have the urge to cross the street or at least to be on-guard. (As you should.)

Why?

When we follow society’s norms for appearance, we are saying to those around us that we follow the other written and unwritten rules of society. When we break those norms, we send the opposite message that can make people in the group feel uneasy.

The man with underwear on his head broke an unspoken pact that we’ve made with each other. We probably had no idea that that pact existed — until it was broken.

I’m sure that you don’t have to think very hard of other examples of a person’s appearance that would make you feel safe (or unsafe), happy (or sad), or attracted (or repulsed).

We use these cues in just about every human interaction. We can’t avoid it. Nor should we. It’s an important method of communicating to each other.

I mentioned that some norms for appearance aren’t arbitrary at all but are shared by most (if not all) cultures because they are tied to biology. Modesty is the most obvious example that comes to mind. (Modesty should be a topic all its own, but I’ll do my best to summarize while attempting to avoid opening a can of worms.) As far as I can tell, norms for modesty share a few features across cultures:

• It focuses almost exclusively on women
• It defines sometimes fuzzy lines around hiding what a person’s body looks like without clothes on (hiding skin and shape)

Men and women are different. We’re not just different physically, but our minds are also built differently. On average, men are much more commonly aroused by women’s bodies than women are by men’s bodies. (For example, men engage in the scourge of pornography at double the rate that women do [source].) And since there’s probably nothing good that can happen when we go around provoking each other sexually in public, girls should dress modestly.

Of course, the lines of modesty have changed slowly over time but until recently, they have stayed within the bounds of what most men would consider sexually provocative. But those lines can only be pushed so far. Today, it’s common for women to dress in what would have been considered underwear only 1 or 2 generations ago.

I would argue that definitions for modesty have mostly remained the same during my lifetime, even though recently it’s much more common to see girls walking around with tight fitting clothes, and exposing more skin than they are hiding. In other words, even today, I think that there are very few people who would argue that it’s modest to show cleavage, bare shoulders and tummies, and super tight clothing. Instead, I think they try to tell themselves (and others) that modesty doesn’t matter, or that men should just control their minds, or that it’s oppressive to tell girls what they can and can’t wear.

My case against those arguments warrant a separate article, so I won’t go any deeper.

Your appearance will affect the people that you attract and repel, and since it will affect your most important relationships: your friends, your career, your spouse, etc. you should take it seriously.

These rules of thumb might be helpful:

• be wary of styles that would bother your parents or grandparents
• think long and hard before making permanent changes to your body (e.g. piercings, tattoos, surgery)
• don’t make permanent changes before you’re 25 (obvious exceptions might a single set of ear piercings for girls, and orthodontics)
• be courageous and confident enough to stand alone and avoid trends that you know aren’t healthy
• surround yourself with people who have similar values to you in this regard
• don’t ignore the signals that people send with their appearance, especially when that appearance conveys danger
• in the long run, be open to being wrong about the signals that people send with their appearance